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RichardNyxon's Sketchbook

2021-20??

Collages, writing, and little drawings, from the real world to your computer screen

mothman

i am
Nothing.
my names are written
in stones that
do not matter to
anyone.
nevertheless,
i Am.

i stretch
into a form that
i never recognized;
some abstract
manifestation
of confusion,
mild terror.
i see my shadow
move
in the corner of
my eyes,
stolen.

the sides of
country roads
craddle me;
a soft but unforgiving
chill.
mountain mama's arms
wrapped around me
lazily,
gentle in her
do not goes.

a man
but not quite.
parts missing,
pieces to other puzzles
your brothers scrambled up
while you tried
to make something
new
out of unbelonging.

it would be
less painful, less
suffocating
to sleep under moss
than to be
in the sun
visibly
disgusting and confusing.

a voice,
one that i recognize
as my own -
yet not the
dissonance ringing
in my throat -
whispers between the
boughs of
half-dead oaks,
saplings,
and the flutter
of wings.

it echoes
through years of
forest,
mountainous rock,
always just
out of reach.

a better son, better barista

he reminds me of
my father
(of course,
what else would he be?)
if my father
was interested in
musicals,
wine tasting,
the pros and cons
of renting a
washing machine.

but they
both
dangle praise
just out of reach,
keep their lives
unknown,
strike with the
same
silence, anger.

my father
never wanted a
daughter.
I could see it
in his eyes,
the sparkle
I had finally
earned.

he finds me,
smoking on campus,
walking to work,
asks me if I need
help.
he quit after
20 years.

I considered
my father
how he'd weasel out
of any attempt
to help him -
deep in veins
and strands of DNA,
excuses, excuses,
and shutting
off.

I shrugged at him.
I don't want
to quit yet.

home is a bucket under a tree

inhale.
do you feel it?

flowers growing,
blooming
into a wave of
television static.

there’s a voice on
the other end,
swimming across
telephone lines
that you forgot to cut.

exhale.
do you remember?

deep in a canyon,
he was forgotten.
maybe when you
scooped him up -
bloodied knees,
wiping the gatorade from
his mouth -
you left a piece of
something lighter.

the memory is stained
red
with holes where
his shoes met his feet,
when he saw his mother.
when you saw her,
she saw
dirt, a cigarette behind the ear,
his blood on your shirt.

lighter, please.
where was I?

somewhere between
snow and ash,
either way
bent knees solved it.
speed and rest and
finding the path again.
just stay low.

maybe you expected
an epiphany
up there, at the summit.
instead you
laid down
smoked
and tried to remember
what it was like
to breathe.

inhale.
when did you know?

somewhere between
drive in movies
and the hills of San Francisco.
under a bridge somewhere,
most likely.
in a shower that
burned and burned
but it was better than
freezing.

someone fried an egg,
threw it onto the ground.
we ate toast,
salt from the earth
at the bottom of the world.
the sky was still
blue in hell.

exhale.
will you ever go back?

I don’t think I could,
even if I wanted to.

cantasma

she is no longer
a twisting knife in my
chest,

sharp, ever present,
the constant reminder of
my mortal flaws.
instead she is the ghost of
herself,
her words slam the
cupboards of my brain,
lift the candle to the
mirror I refuse to look
into.

her absence haunts my
bones,

but the thought of her
presence leaves me filled
with a sense of dread

that no exorcist, or
nightlight
could rid me of.