The Journal

Bloody bloody birthday

Well, what a time that was. We left for Grand Rapids on Sunday morning, at 5 in the freaking morning, and when we got there, we walked around the sculpture garden until I got sick. The next morning, we went to the blood center who told me not only had the home health nurse been giving me my injections wrong, but the urgent care didn't assess my veins correctly, so I needed a central line. Meaning that I couldn't donate at that location at all.

I texted my coordinator, who started freaking out with me, and she managed to get us a flight to Chicago to a hospital instead. Unfortunately, neither of us realized that the flight was for the next night instead of that night, so she had to scramble to get us new tickets for a flight the next morning. We finally get into Chicago and to the hospital, where they give me more injections and put in a femoral line. Cue 10 hours of laying in a bed as a machine cycles my blood four and a half times through, spitting all my blood stem cells into a bag hanging next to me. Then the ultimate fun of laying flat without moving for 2 hours with a sandbag on my thigh to make sure I didn't turn into a human blood fountain.

That night, we stayed in the hotel above the hospital, but surprise! Fire alarm at 2am! It only woke boyf up, since the alarm was only going off in the hallway and not the rooms, but when he went downstairs and outside, he couldn't find anyone anywhere. In the whole hospital. So he calls me, locked out of the hall where I am, and I wheel myself down to open the door. He's freaked out and thinks we should go outside. Mind you, I have an open wound in the pit of my groin that's a direct hole into my femoral artery. The line was removed like 4 hours before this point. We are on the 6th floor and I am in a wheelchair. Fire, of course, means no elevators.

I hobble very slowly down the first flight, trying to jog my memory for the vague aftercare instructions through the fog of sleepiness ("Was it, no stairs at all for 3 days? Or just gently for 3 days?") and realize this shit is not working. So I call out to boyf, who carries me down the other 5 flights of stairs like a hero in a movie. We get outside and it's literally just us, some old couple, and a firetruck with like 3 firemen standing around. Nobody except boyf - who is wired on adrenaline at this point - seems very worried. I'm sitting on a bench struggling to stay awake (I had just fallen asleep before this debacle) when they give us the okay to head back up so I can get a few more meager hours of sleep.

It all probably wouldn't have been so bad if it weren't for the extreme nausea I felt for a few days, but I suppose it really could have been a lot worse considering how many things went wrong. The nurses at the hospital even decorated my room for my birthday and got me a cake (which fell on the floor), which was really sweet of them.

I don't know yet if I'm happy to be back at work. I don't really understand why I'm feeling so weird about work or what I should do to fix it, but I did appreciate the week off. I didn't even have to use my own PTO, which was the cherry on top of the free "vacation" for my birthday.

Barber? I hardly know her

Haircuts are a bit of a harrowing experience for me. The sensory experience is thankfully one I like (mostly), but the social aspect and the actual quality of the cut is really hit or miss.

For about a decade, I only cut my own hair. It was really easy when it was long and mistakes were really easily hidden, but once I came out, I had to re-learn how to cut it all over again. Unfortunately, it is a lot harder now, so I've been "splurging" and paying to go to the barber since I started making more money.

Even more unfortunately, my hair is really hard to cut for some reason. I have a bunch of weird cowlicks and a hard middle part, and a kind of weird-shaped head hahaha. The single only place that can cut my hair is an old-school hole in the wall place downtown - just a line of chairs and a bench for waiting. Those women have magic fucking scissors or hands or something, because every time I try to go somewhere else, I end up looking like a lesbian or a Neo-Nazi. A very shitty line to ride.

For my reunion last month, I decided to really splurge and go to this nice male salon. Thank god that I know how life works and went a month in advance to let it grow out, because it was literally the worst haircut I've ever had in my life. I don't think I've cried walking out of a haircut since middle school, but I legitmately had tears in my eyes walking out that day. It didn't help that the customer service was absolute shit, so it's not even like I could go "Well at least it was a nice experience!" I looked like a fucking moron lmao. At least it grew out, I guess.

Anyways, this time I went back to my normal barber and they cut my hair perfectly. I almost cried from how happy I was and let them know that I'd stop trying to cheat on them, since it just keeps biting me in the ass. I actually look and feel like myself, and I don't get pissed off just looking in the mirror anymore, thank god.

Burn out birthday

It's finally my birth month! I don't actually celebrate the whole month or anything, I just think it's special.

We've been so busy recently between moving, work, and the blood donation thing I'm doing. I had my physical exam with them on Thursday, where they took 12 vials of my blood for further testing. Hopefully they don't find anything that would stop me from donating. My BMI seems to be fine, but I had a UTI right before that I maybe let go a bit too long...

It really fucked with me the weekend before this past one - we went to see some of boyf's family and they took us to a drag show (their scene, not so much mine lol). It was fun, it's really just not my thing. Then on top of that, I wasn't feeling great and couldn't drink, so I was just sober in some tiny old venue getting overstimulated. We went out for a drive after, which was really nice, but I was feeling so sick that I made us go home early. I really feel bad about being a buzzkill, but I was not doing well at all. Hopefully we can go up to see them again soon and I can be more fun.

On the work side of things, there are 2 openings for the position above mine. Even though I just got promoted in like February/March, my manager reached out to me and told me if I was interested or curious at all, his office was open, which is his very passive way of saying I should apply. I am actually interested in it, as much as I would've killed myself for saying that a year ago. But after working here for a few years, I've sort of picked up that nobody knows or does fucking anything, so I might as well be in charge and be able to do shit the way I want.

I've been kind of weirdly privy to the responsibilities of the role, since my first supervisor was very big on knowledge sharing, then I didn't have a supervisor for a year so I had to take on some of that myself, then I had the shittiest supervisor possible where we had to teach him basically how to use a computer at all and went behind his back to make sure things went smoothly. All that said, I've got management experience and I'm good with both the job and people. They don't have a lot of great options in house, and I know from experience that they can't hire anyone for these roles because they pay like shit (compared to any other company). However, I'm already used to the pay scale here and would very much like a raise.

I'd also like some of the control that I had back - not knowing where we are on projects or what's going on has really been stressing me out. It's not that I necessarily distrust my supervisor, but it seems like she doesn't have a great grasp on keeping track of all of the moving parts and little things are slipping through the cracks. Usually I would just take care of these, but now I don't even know about them until it's too late. It's not like it necessarily reflects poorly on me, but I'd rather not be associated with sloppy work if I can help it.

I'm all alone in the office today, but I'm probably going to go by my manager's office tomorrow to talk to him. I at least want the interview experience, if nothing else. But I would also really like a change of pace at work.

I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love

Wow, I usually never get to update my web journals this much! Exciting, shareable things just don't happen to me super frequently, but I just keep shaking - either with excitement or anxiety, but I'm trying to be optimistic.

Me and boyf called out of work yesterday, and towards the end of the day I got both an email and a text from NMDP (Be the Match, a bone marrow donation group) saying that they had an urgent request for donation and that I was the best match. I'd gotten a similar message combo before back in 2022, where I was only the backup donor, but the same feelings all came rushing back: A mix of excitement and sadness and fear at the chance to really objectively help someone in a way that nobody else can.

It really is a weird act of the universe (thank god it's taking a break from making a joke out of me) that this is all happening. I was just thinking about the 2022 call last week, and how I felt weirdly jealous of the other donor. But also about how I probably wouldn't ever get another call. I knew that being matched at all was a longshot - some people wait 10+ years, others never get called - but being matched twice like I have is pretty rare apparently. Not only was it just on my mind, but my coordinator/advocate (who works with the entire Eastern US coast) lives 5 minutes away from my house which is absolutely insane. She also used to work at the same big employer I do, and helped to start an admissions program that I took part in its inaugural year. There's a very good chance that I've already spent hours with this woman before! My town is so full of people and spread out, but good god it feels so tiny sometimes.

Just to add on top of that, because this is an urgent request, they already have a specific donation date in mind - the day before my birthday! The great thing about that is NMDP pays for all travel, hotel, meals, and of course the medical aspects, so I'm basically getting a free-ish trip for my birthday! My advocate said that we'd be going to Michigan, which I've actually never been to before, so it'll be cool! I know I won't really be feeling my best while I'm there, but I've heard it's not too bad.

Now, this is all if my appointments all go smoothly - I have a physical next week, and I am a bit worried about my weight. I've already put on like 7 lbs in the past month, but I should probably try to bulk up and get some more weight on before then. The number one thing I'm worried about is something weird on the health screening tripping me up, like the question about having sex with men who have had sex with men. Like, seriously, I've been dating this dude for 3 years and had 2 negative full panel tests since then. My advocate was very much like "yeah, that question is... really outdated" but I'm still a little nervous. I know it wouldn't be my fault that we live in a homophobic society, but it would feel like I didn't "play the game right" if this is what keeps me from donating and giving the recipient the best chance possible.

The first call I got, the recipient was a 6 year old girl, while this time around, my recipient is a 65 year old woman. It was interesting that the "heroism" of it all feels a bit deflated when it's not a child, like I'm not "saving as many years." But that's a really goofy mindset to have - I'm so happy that I get the chance to help someone get even another day with their loved ones. I think it's just easier to not think about the possible political opinions this woman could hold. On the other hand, it would be very funny for a MAGA lady to receive lifesaving tranny blood lmao. But I'm sure she's a perfectly nice woman, and I'm so excited to get to do this. We won't be able to contact each other until a year after donation, but hopefully the treatment helps her and maybe she'll want to reach out.

Wow, this one got long! I just never have things to talk about, so when I do, it's a little hard to shut up. Maybe this will give me a little bit of what I was wanting in my last post - something worthwhile to do.

If you want to join the registry too, it's simple, free, and you can sign up here.

Spiritually in the corner at the party of life

We had our housewarming party this weekend, and it went way better than I was expecting. People actually showed up, I had all of the food and drinks ready on time, and we had a bunch of fun even though it was just all of our random friends thrown together. We stayed up until like 1:30am just talking and playing games, which I haven't done in years so that was very fun.

I got to see two of my friends that I haven't seen in forever - one I haven't seen since he left our job in 2021, and the last time I saw the other guy was pre-COVID, which is insane to think about. I really haven't been good about keeping up with them, and although we were able to catch up some during the weekend, I definitely was missing our long nights bitching and complaining at Walker's. I dunno, maybe part of that is the whole "male friendship" thing and I'm just missing that emotional intimacy. I love my guy friends, but it's just all very surface level. I guess I'm guilty of it myself, but I never really know where the line is, so I try to err on the side of caution.

I dunno, things just feel weird, maybe because they're good? I keep waiting for something horrible to happen, like some karmic retribution for relaxing. Maybe it's just that the fluorescent lights are on at work today. Or maybe it's my brain telling me to go back to therapy - I apparently have a pattern of going for a year and then taking several years off. It would probably help if I could find a competent therapist, but my trauma, upbringing, and very likely autism make it difficult to find someone who really "gets" it. Like, how can I expect someone to fully understand what "I have no family support and no lasting friendships" when I can barely understand the very normal opposite? Family was something to be responsible for at best and at worst, the strangest, most abusive bullies possible.

I'm not going to get all dramatic and rant about my family here - that was much more 15-years-ago-me's style. I guess I could just be happy with being happy. Or at the very least, figure out how to make decent friends as a "kind of nerdy, but not in a DND way" adult man in a college town. I just gotta find some hobbies or something, man.

Moving out, on, and up

We're finally moved in a mostly settled into the new townhouse, even though our decor style could currently be described as "lots of cardboard boxes everywhere." I think we've got all of the major essentials unpacked, but there's a lot of actual decor and art supplies and seasonal clothes to unpack and put away. But the kitchen is unpacked, which is the most important part - I absolutely fucking love cooking in this new kitchen. I've already made a couple of different meals and it's just been so enjoyable. I love having real appliances and actual space to cook and move around in. The rest of the townhouse is freaking huge, even with the 2 new couches and the beds and everything. I'm so happy with everything here, and the whole not breathing in mold 24/7 thing is just a nice little addition.

I also went to my 10 year high school reunion this weekend, which is crazy to think about. I don't know how much of it is age and how much of it is COVID, but it still feels like high school was only a few years ago. It was fun getting to see everyone all grown up though. Only a couple of people that I was friends with actually showed up, but plenty of people that I "knew" were there, so it was fun getting to say hi. They had pulled pork and mac & cheese catered for us, which was good, and the drinks were strong, so I had a great time.

I feel really guilty for socially falling off the face of the planet for the last decade, but my shitty little moldy apartment along with my fucked up mental illness/COVID brain combo really just killed any sense of wanting to be around people. It also doesn't help that none of my good friends live in this city anymore, and I don't drive, so I'm a bit fucked on that front. Hopefully me and some of them can reconnect or something, but I wouldn't blame them for kind of being sick of me lol. I was very out of control for years and then just went radio silent.

Hopefully I'll actually keep up my efforts to be a part of society and be a person (or whatever the hell I'm doing) and actually make some friends. It's hard because I think a very large part of me finds friends too hard to make and maintain - just a lot of shitty "friends" have convinced me it's not worth the effort - but I do know that I need to connect and communicate with other people. I dunno, shit's just hard sometimes, but at least I have a nice new house for things to be hard in.

Unstoppable forces, unmovable objects, etc.

As of writing this, we are only 44 hours from moving apartments! We're only moving 10 minutes down the road, but me and boyf are also moving in together, which is a big step. We've basically been living together for the past 6 months since our furniture is at his old place though.

I'm really excited for the change of scenery and to have more space. The new place is twice as big as my current apartment and in a way more walkable area. We'll have a big back porch, real appliances, and close enough to the stores that I can actually shop for dinner every day if I want to. I know that everything won't be perfect, but it's going to be so much better in so many ways.

I've lived in my current apartment for 5 years, which is the longest I've lived anywhere in my life. If I hadn't grown to hate this place, I would probably be much more sad about leaving. Instead, it feels much more like leaving the house after high school: packing up the best parts and leaving behind all of the hatred and disdain that have soaked into the shitty concrete walls.

So many bullshit fights with my ex (that keep resurfacing in my memory as I come across my workarounds for her behavior) that amounted to nothing more than us wasting more of each other's time. I just had to email the landlord about the closet shelving that she broke by delibrately doing things I told her not to - specifically because it would break the closet - because she thought I was overreacting. I'm going to lose my mind if I keep thinking about all of the absolutely insanely stupid shit that happened with her.

I'm just excited to get a fresh start. And also to be done packing and doing heavy physical exertion. I'm not a huge fan of change, but it feels pretty positive when it's own my own terms.

Masculinity as a form of joy

I won the top award at my job - IT professional of the year - by a landslide. I got a nice certificate and frame, $1000 bonus, and our executive director gave a speech about me. Dressed in my business casual "straight guy" clothes, hearing about how I'm lauded not only for my technical expertise, but also my attitude and interactions with people. Firm handshakes and the room bursting into applause for me.

It's a feeling that I don't think I've truly had since high school, which I guess would be pride? Nothing has really felt worth being proud of, but I'm glad that I have this now.

People are constantly telling me that I work harder and better than others or that my salary doesn't reflect my effort, but I just feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to. I don't want to turn this into a bitch fest, but the mediocrity of everyone else around me pisses me off, because I don't know if I can be mediocre and be okay with it too. I've always been expected to be perfect, even as a child, and it's upsetting to see full adults not held to that standard, but giving less effort myself would feel like failing. Anyways, bitch fest over.

After work, me and boyf went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner and it was absolutely fucking perfect. There was a short wait that we spent outside because it was so nice out, the service was amazing, the food was exactly what I wanted and at a great price, and my drinks were made exactly like I would make them. It was truly the best restaurant experience I've had since the extra fancy steakhouse in Boston, for less than half the price. I'm just so happy to finally get some good fucking food and service around here!

There was an interesting moment of just... absolute indulgence when they brought my plate. I was a little tipsy, shoveling bread, steak, and corn into my mouth and washing it down with more whiskey & diet coke. After the year+ of constant nausea, it almost makes me cry when I get to really enjoy food like that. Just a moment of complete bliss and joy.

I think it's really funny that my two most recent moments of joy/bliss/whatever have been whiskey & steak, and curled up in a blanket with a cup of tea. My joy is very beverage-based but I do have complexity, at least.

Updating the journal.

I would say that I can't believe it's almost been half a year since the last entry, but that's pretty on brand for me and I'm not afraid to admit that.

After lots of debating and going back and forth about what type of journal I want to keep and what type of website I want to make, I figured I might as well just get back into both of them at the same time. I'm trying my best to actually try my best here, even if I don't really buy it.

Building websites from absolute scratch isn't the most fun work, but it's still rewarding in a way. The same can be said for identifying and expressing my emotions. Sure, it's pretty easy to mentally ruminate on a single thought for hours by myself, but it's probably a good idea to flex the "verbalizing and sharing" muscles too.

I realized recently that I've picked up some weird hangup about expressing myself and my opinions. I don't know when exactly it happened, but I thought it might have been COVID or something. Thinking about the timeline of events now, I think it really might have been the second time I dated my ex. Just a complete loss of my own identity and worth. Codependency and childhood emotional neglect make it real easy to lose yourself like that.

It also didn't help that I was off of my meds for over 2 years. I didn't realize it until right before getting back on them, but Jesus, it really was killing me. I've only been back on them for 2 weeks and I already feel so much more alive and confident. I'm glad to have the strength back before we move at the end of the month, too.

Okay, damn, this post is plenty long enough. Back to making the rest of the journal look nice... and function.

Spare time is like money. I don't have much of it.

Well, it's another new year, and even though I'm just now realizing that my computer ate the last blog post I made, I'm still excited to keep working on this website.

I haven't been able to do much on here recently with how busy we were at work, and then I was travelling for the holidays. I do love working on this little project, but I've noticed that I seem to get absorbed by it (and not necessarily in a good way).

Hopefully I can find a way to balance working on this and... literally the rest of my life lol.

The first journal entry.

I've actually been having a lot of fun building this website, which I'm grateful for. I have vague memories of customizing my MySpace and Tumblr pages, but I feel like I always gave up too soon. I was also 14 at most though, so I'm glad that I gave myself that base to work off of now.

There's still so much that I don't know, but I feel like it's all much easier to grasp now. Especially Javascript, which was the most frustrating thing in the world (and had way less functionality) back then. I've been working a lot with PowerShell at my job, which has given me a much better understanding how functions work in general.

I'm really glad this site is coming along so smoothly. As in, I spend an hour trying to get 1 element placed correctly sometimes, but everything seems to be doing exactly what I want it to so far.

I can't wait to add more things (especially putting together my little music player) and just start a collection of interesting things I find as I explore Neocities more and more. Hopefully we stay slow at work so that I can keep working on this while I'm here.